KASET BF

Heartache is on its way.

Terrible. This is going to be so hard. They're taking over my life. It's making mom's life hard to live. It's all so hard to understand. I am so broken, a happy picture now gone. Time will pass, it will go.

We speak in forbidden secrets you and I.

It just isn't quite the way it used to be. So I've been bitter, writing letters to myself & it doesn't feel right.
Is there some hidden meaning? Some agenda to be found? It seems that the harder I try, it just serves to add more questions. What's started up these sting emotions, now those feelings I can hardly ever see. Funny how the mind works. You know what I mean.
I want to rest my eyes now.

Realisation hits me cruelly like a prayer in a curse.

I feel like such a hypocrite. How can I talk to her & make nice about this situation, but how can I not? It's so awkward that sometimes I'd rather jump out the window than feel it all over again. I think too much but say too little. I want to open up but I don't want to be a whiny bitch. I hate jealousy but I always get jealous. Life's not easy, in fact it has always been in a mess. I hate waking up, I detest each new day. Life has gotten so boring, I am so bored being alive. I don't really want to kill myself, I just don't see anything exciting to die. I don't talk to anyone about it, & no one knows exactly how tired I am. I am not asking for help, or searching for a way out. I'm just scared & afraid of what's to come, is going a hell lot worse. Mom is throwing her temper around, Grandpa's health is crashing down. His illness is gnawing on my nerves. All I feel is sorrow & hurt. This is tearing me apart. Why are we so punished? I wish I could help Grandma out, of all her worrying & such. It hurts so much to be ignored, by the people who mean the world to you. It hurts so bad when you feel, something everyone else doesn't understand. Things are going so hell.

Wish you were here. Or I was there instead.

He bathed in the melody of her laughter.

Lying miles away in a deserted field, his heart shattered into twenty-one-billion pieces.
The battery of his camera died as the last memory he could ever have of her went black.
It was raining outside, but he didn’t seem to notice the dull pattering against his window panes. He fumbled in his pocket in search of his keys, found them, and rushed for the garage.
He didn’t buckle his seatbelt, almost wanting to die this time. Instinct led his car to the cemetery.
Raindrops mingled with the tears on his face as he searched for the headstone.
Her name was there, carved out in letters that were too stiff and too formal. He traced them with his quaking fingertips. They felt nothing like any part of her.

But in reality I hated me.

Cause I'm not coming back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not any more
I got the picture phone baby, your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed
Cause it's over girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin 7 don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
Cause it's over I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin messages don't wanna know where you been
Baby cause it's over.

Tucked underneath my skin, as if you've been thr all along.

I spend the first half an hour on my bed doing some v significant naptime dreaming. Thn the daydreaming stops 'cuse I actually fall asleep & do some v real dreaming, but unfortunately I can't control thse & it's not 'bout hoping to catch a fragment of my future ; it's 'bout showing up for a cooking class & having forgotten to wear any clothes & everyone laughing at me as I try to shield myself with a frying pan. Which is really, really small. Ironic.

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